Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
