Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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