she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
His hands were made for my vagina.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
