he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
