I cannot find my penis.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
this hospital has no fireball
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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