did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I hate all girls vehemently.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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