He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
