booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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