She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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