Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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