so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I did not marry a roomba.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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