Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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