I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize