Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
