I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Randomize
