Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
