JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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