Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize