dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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