i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
