Please, let me fuck your mom
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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