U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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