i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
