I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
