I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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