I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize