I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
