If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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