How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize