I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
