Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I still have a little drunk in my system
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize