please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
