I will die if light touches me.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
