I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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