Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
