So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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