I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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