My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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