My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
