I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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