Jerry, you need to find god
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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