Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
