At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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