the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
