Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
