my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
