She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
