Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
