We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
