Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I can feel your judgement through the phone
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize