We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
