about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
