So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
