i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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