So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
