he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
