My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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