Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
