i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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